Character
KEY WEST, Fla. -- Tough gig here. A weekend in Key West holding forth on the subject of humor with a lot of funny people. A pundit's work is never done.
Actually, being earnest about humor is deadly -- if you have to explain a joke, you kill it. Fortunately, the participants in the Key West Literary Seminar did little analysis and a lot of rock 'n' roll. Garry Trudeau, creator of "Doonesbury," is also a comic essayist on occasion and was once inspired by Real Life to write the results of an interview of Madonna conducted by a Hungarian journalist. He asked questions in Hungarian, she replied in English, then it was all translated into Hungarian and then re-translated back into English.
Q: Let us cut towards the hunt: Are you a bold hussy woman that feasts on men who are tops?
A: I am working like a canine all the way around the clock.
Actually, being earnest about humor is deadly -- if you have to explain a joke, you kill it. Fortunately, the participants in the Key West Literary Seminar did little analysis and a lot of rock 'n' roll. Garry Trudeau, creator of "Doonesbury," is also a comic essayist on occasion and was once inspired by Real Life to write the results of an interview of Madonna conducted by a Hungarian journalist. He asked questions in Hungarian, she replied in English, then it was all translated into Hungarian and then re-translated back into English.
Q: Let us cut towards the hunt: Are you a bold hussy woman that feasts on men who are tops?
A: I am working like a canine all the way around the clock.
Bush, God, Fox, and the International Criminal Court
Here's an interesting theory for why Bush attacked Iraq. He did so in order to violate international law. This is what Eric Zuesse argues in "Iraq War, the Truth," a 188-page book from Delphic Press.
The book is better than its title or its preface. Zuesse makes a case that Bush's central motivation in launching this war was to render the United Nations and the International Criminal Court powerless. Bush didn't attack and occupy Iraq in order to eliminate weapons that he already knew didn't exist. And looting the oil and other resources (and the US Treasury) for corporate cronies was a side benefit. Attacking in violation of international law, and using napalm and depleted uranium in the attack, was not a regrettable circumstance to Bush. He would not have preferred to have UN backing, because his primary enemy was never Saddam Hussein; it was the United Nations. What about "liberating the Iraqis"? Bush believed that one. He didn't expect the Iraqis to continue resisting. But that wasn't why he started the war.
The book is better than its title or its preface. Zuesse makes a case that Bush's central motivation in launching this war was to render the United Nations and the International Criminal Court powerless. Bush didn't attack and occupy Iraq in order to eliminate weapons that he already knew didn't exist. And looting the oil and other resources (and the US Treasury) for corporate cronies was a side benefit. Attacking in violation of international law, and using napalm and depleted uranium in the attack, was not a regrettable circumstance to Bush. He would not have preferred to have UN backing, because his primary enemy was never Saddam Hussein; it was the United Nations. What about "liberating the Iraqis"? Bush believed that one. He didn't expect the Iraqis to continue resisting. But that wasn't why he started the war.
A flat out whopper
AUSTIN, Texas -- Cheez, I go to all this trouble not to call the president of the United States a liar -- perhaps misinformed, did not seem to know about, no one has told him, etc. -- and then he just comes flat out with a whopper.
Drolly enough, he prefaced his latest with the unlikely statement, "As a matter of fact ..." before he proceeded to do battle against truth: "... by the time today's workers who are in their mid-20s begin to retire, the system will be bankrupt. So if you're 20 years old, in your mid-20s, and you're beginning to work, I want you to think about a Social Security system that will be flat bust, bankrupt, unless the United States Congress has got the willingness to act now. And that's what we're here to talk about, a system that will be bankrupt."
Drolly enough, he prefaced his latest with the unlikely statement, "As a matter of fact ..." before he proceeded to do battle against truth: "... by the time today's workers who are in their mid-20s begin to retire, the system will be bankrupt. So if you're 20 years old, in your mid-20s, and you're beginning to work, I want you to think about a Social Security system that will be flat bust, bankrupt, unless the United States Congress has got the willingness to act now. And that's what we're here to talk about, a system that will be bankrupt."
These people are slicker than bus station chili
AUSTIN, Texas --- Excuse me, but is that smoke in your ear?
I wouldn't go calling anyone a liar, but as we say in our quaint Texas fashion, this administration is stuffed with people who are on a first-name basis with the bottom of the deck. They've been telling us only four out of the 18 provinces in Iraq will be too unsafe to vote in. Doesn't sound that bad, does it? Unless you happen to know that about 50 percent of the population lives in those four provinces.
Will someone explain to me what earthly good they expect to do by misleading us? If, God forbid, the Iraqi election turns out to be a disaster, will we be better off for not having expected it? How long are Bush and Cheney going to sit there pretending the problem is that the media won't report the "good news" out of Iraq? Be a lot more useful if they paid attention to some of the bad news.
I wouldn't go calling anyone a liar, but as we say in our quaint Texas fashion, this administration is stuffed with people who are on a first-name basis with the bottom of the deck. They've been telling us only four out of the 18 provinces in Iraq will be too unsafe to vote in. Doesn't sound that bad, does it? Unless you happen to know that about 50 percent of the population lives in those four provinces.
Will someone explain to me what earthly good they expect to do by misleading us? If, God forbid, the Iraqi election turns out to be a disaster, will we be better off for not having expected it? How long are Bush and Cheney going to sit there pretending the problem is that the media won't report the "good news" out of Iraq? Be a lot more useful if they paid attention to some of the bad news.
Prior-roarities
AUSTIN, Texas -- In the Texas legislature, they are called "prior-roarities," such a happy coinage. What should come prior?
When the pitter-patter of falling year-end columns comes again, not necessarily next year, but certainly four years from now, I fearlessly forecast a dismal unanimity: that the Bush Administration II suffers from bad and dumb prior-roarities.
Actually, the passage of time is not required for proof -- look around. The Bushies are about to launch a $50 million to $100 million dollar propaganda campaign to convince us the Social Security system is in crisis. Actually, it's not. It's quite robust and has astonishingly low administrative costs, less than 1 percent.
According to President Bush's own Commission to "Strengthen Social Security," the administrative costs of keeping track of private accounts will be 10 to 30 times the cost of administering the current system.
When the pitter-patter of falling year-end columns comes again, not necessarily next year, but certainly four years from now, I fearlessly forecast a dismal unanimity: that the Bush Administration II suffers from bad and dumb prior-roarities.
Actually, the passage of time is not required for proof -- look around. The Bushies are about to launch a $50 million to $100 million dollar propaganda campaign to convince us the Social Security system is in crisis. Actually, it's not. It's quite robust and has astonishingly low administrative costs, less than 1 percent.
According to President Bush's own Commission to "Strengthen Social Security," the administrative costs of keeping track of private accounts will be 10 to 30 times the cost of administering the current system.
What the election challenge means
Thirty-three Members of the US House of Representatives, and one all-important Senator -- one more than four years ago -- voted not to accept Ohio's 20 electoral votes for George Bush. The votes were 33 to 260 and 1 to 72. The protesters lost. What does it mean?
First, it's worth noting that more than one Senator took action. Barbara Boxer announced her intention to challenge the election on Thursday morning. By midday Senators Chris Dodd, Hillary Clinton, Harry Reid, and Barak Obama had let it be known that they would support Boxer. During the discussion in the Senate, Richard Durbin, Debbie Stabenow, Edward Kennedy, Ron Wyden, Frank Lautenberg, and Tom Harkin joined the others in speaking in support of Boxer's challenge. And in the House, numerous members spoke, one after another, until the time was up, and the number voting for the challenge jumped to 33 from the 8 that had been known early in the day.
First, it's worth noting that more than one Senator took action. Barbara Boxer announced her intention to challenge the election on Thursday morning. By midday Senators Chris Dodd, Hillary Clinton, Harry Reid, and Barak Obama had let it be known that they would support Boxer. During the discussion in the Senate, Richard Durbin, Debbie Stabenow, Edward Kennedy, Ron Wyden, Frank Lautenberg, and Tom Harkin joined the others in speaking in support of Boxer's challenge. And in the House, numerous members spoke, one after another, until the time was up, and the number voting for the challenge jumped to 33 from the 8 that had been known early in the day.
Acts of God, Acts of Media
The new year has scarcely begun, but Americans watching television
have already heard a lot about God.
When Larry King interviewed George H. W. Bush and Bill Clinton the other night, CNN presented ample split-screen evidence that the Lord transcends political parties and backgrounds. The former presidents -- blue-blooded Yankee and hardscrabble Arkansan -- spoke eloquently about faith. By now, perhaps no subject has achieved more agreement in the USA’s news media. Faith in God is a televised no-brainer.
“My faith is never shaken by a personal tragedy,” said ex-President Bush, “or even a tragedy of this enormity.” Clinton said: “It reminds us that we’re not in control, that our faith is constantly tested by circumstances, but it should be deepened when we see the courageous response people are having, and the determination to endure.” Both men praised the incumbent in the White House, presumptively a God-loving guy.
When Larry King interviewed George H. W. Bush and Bill Clinton the other night, CNN presented ample split-screen evidence that the Lord transcends political parties and backgrounds. The former presidents -- blue-blooded Yankee and hardscrabble Arkansan -- spoke eloquently about faith. By now, perhaps no subject has achieved more agreement in the USA’s news media. Faith in God is a televised no-brainer.
“My faith is never shaken by a personal tragedy,” said ex-President Bush, “or even a tragedy of this enormity.” Clinton said: “It reminds us that we’re not in control, that our faith is constantly tested by circumstances, but it should be deepened when we see the courageous response people are having, and the determination to endure.” Both men praised the incumbent in the White House, presumptively a God-loving guy.
Seven key reasons why the vote must be challenged at the electoral college
1. Exit Polls Did Not Match Actual Vote in Ohio, Pennsylvania and Florida
The gulf between the exit polls and counted votes was glaring. The Zogby Poll and the media consortium poll (including CNN and AP) had Kerry winning an electoral landslide with 53% and 51% respectively in Ohio. Why did exit polls match the actual vote in the nation – EXCEPT for Ohio, Florida and Pennsylvania?
Exit polls are considered the most accurate measurement of the vote. Exit polls were responsible for calling for a revote in the Ukraine. The odds of the exit polls being outside the margin of error in these three battleground states are about 155 million to one. The exit poll data has never been released. There must be an investigation of the exit poll disparities.
2. Voting machines owned by private, partisan companies subject to manipulation
Voting machine tampering occurred throughout the state. In Mahoning County, votes “hopped” from Kerry to Bush. In Franklin County, votes for Kerry “faded” away. In Lucas County, Diebold machines froze up and rejected ballots in pro-Kerry precincts.
The gulf between the exit polls and counted votes was glaring. The Zogby Poll and the media consortium poll (including CNN and AP) had Kerry winning an electoral landslide with 53% and 51% respectively in Ohio. Why did exit polls match the actual vote in the nation – EXCEPT for Ohio, Florida and Pennsylvania?
Exit polls are considered the most accurate measurement of the vote. Exit polls were responsible for calling for a revote in the Ukraine. The odds of the exit polls being outside the margin of error in these three battleground states are about 155 million to one. The exit poll data has never been released. There must be an investigation of the exit poll disparities.
2. Voting machines owned by private, partisan companies subject to manipulation
Voting machine tampering occurred throughout the state. In Mahoning County, votes “hopped” from Kerry to Bush. In Franklin County, votes for Kerry “faded” away. In Lucas County, Diebold machines froze up and rejected ballots in pro-Kerry precincts.
Off to a bad start
AUSTIN, Texas -- Oh boy! Starting the year off briskly, lending it such tone already, such cachet, such je ne sais quoi -- those Republicans are so special, aren't they? Their first move, first rat out of the trap, top priority: lower ethics standards. Yessiree, this 2005 is going to be quite a year, some pip.
Let's put that to a vote. Many problems before us -- Iraq, a Social Security "crisis," a real health care crisis, world terrorism, our international reputation possibly at its lowest ever ... who is in favor of lowering ethics standards first? Who thinks ethics standards in Washington are too high?
House "Republican leaders" -- that would be your Tom DeLay, Dennis Hastert and other moral heroes of our time -- want to repeal the rule that makes it possible for the House to censure members for bringing "discredit" on the House, even if their behavior does not fall under a specific rule.
Let's put that to a vote. Many problems before us -- Iraq, a Social Security "crisis," a real health care crisis, world terrorism, our international reputation possibly at its lowest ever ... who is in favor of lowering ethics standards first? Who thinks ethics standards in Washington are too high?
House "Republican leaders" -- that would be your Tom DeLay, Dennis Hastert and other moral heroes of our time -- want to repeal the rule that makes it possible for the House to censure members for bringing "discredit" on the House, even if their behavior does not fall under a specific rule.
Yup, 2004
AUSTIN, Texas -- Oh 2004, 2004, bird thou never wert. Was it really that horrible a year, or does it only seem that way?
Abu Ghraib, the endless trials anent Kobe Bryant and Scott Peterson, war in Iraq looking worse every day, Howard Dean eliminated over a whoop and a presidential race so devoid of joy that the high point was when the president claimed God speaks through him -- leaving us to contemplate the news that God doesn't know how to pronounce nuclear and has yet to master subject-verb agreement. "Performance enhancing drugs" in baseball. Ray Charles died. Karl Rove is Man of the Year. We're all overweight. Swift Boat Liars win the presidential race for Bush. Then just to round things off nicely, a terrible natural disaster. What a bummer.
But, look at it this way ... the Boston Red Sox won the championship. Eliot Spitzer is scaring the spit out of the insurance industry (check out those year-end bonuses on Wall Street, El). The Greek Olympics went well. Maybe we could end the payola by just having them in Greece every time. Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France for a record sixth time, a symbolic victory for cancer patients everywhere.
Abu Ghraib, the endless trials anent Kobe Bryant and Scott Peterson, war in Iraq looking worse every day, Howard Dean eliminated over a whoop and a presidential race so devoid of joy that the high point was when the president claimed God speaks through him -- leaving us to contemplate the news that God doesn't know how to pronounce nuclear and has yet to master subject-verb agreement. "Performance enhancing drugs" in baseball. Ray Charles died. Karl Rove is Man of the Year. We're all overweight. Swift Boat Liars win the presidential race for Bush. Then just to round things off nicely, a terrible natural disaster. What a bummer.
But, look at it this way ... the Boston Red Sox won the championship. Eliot Spitzer is scaring the spit out of the insurance industry (check out those year-end bonuses on Wall Street, El). The Greek Olympics went well. Maybe we could end the payola by just having them in Greece every time. Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France for a record sixth time, a symbolic victory for cancer patients everywhere.